The 5 Worst Songs... Ever

Over the course of the past week, I've sat down and really thought about some of the songs that have been written throughout the past, oh, 2,000 years. I did some research and found Rolling Stone's top 500 songs of all time; it included John Lennon's "Imagine" Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone," and Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Without question, Rolling Stone's list was the subject of much debate.

In the same tradition, I began to ponder the opposite question. If these are the best songs of all-time, what are the worst?

After some careful research and introspection, I have done it. Behold, readers, the Five Worst Songs Ever Written, in countdown form, of course:

5: "Swing" by Trace Adkins
It begins, like all horrible songs, with a clichéd quote: "Take me out to the bawlllllgame." What follows is a guitar riff that sounds like what "Thunderstruck" would sound like if AC/DC guitarist Angus Young just one day said "To hell with it, I'll play this one with my toes." As the song progresses, Adkins vividly describes the lies he tells women in order to get them to sleep with him... he went to Harvard... he majored in Pre-Med... because obviously being a Countrah Sanger hasn't worked since Garth Brooks had to change his name to Chris Gaines. Regardless, he gets shot down by his lovely bar skanks twice. What does this mean? Why, if you're a baseball fan, that means... two strikes! Oh I get it. Life is like Baseball. Or at least Skank Shopping is... I digress. Finally, Adkins gets it right. A sportscaster shouts "Here's the pitch!" in the background to give us that "big game" feel, as the latest in the succession of hoes approaches. Trace, of course, knocks this one out of the park. It's a home-run. He wins the prize...a night with a stranger. Lovely. In the haunting DMZ that I call my "imagination," I picture his discovery that the "home-run" he hit used to be known as Ted, a former construction worker and Professional Speed-Eater who is using his winnings to pay for the last in a series of sex-change operations. After all, if you're going to write a fraudulent song, be prepared for a fraudulent result. Enjoy the chick with the dick, there, Trace.

4: "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano

I love Christmas music. There's nothing more warming than bouncing from sale to sale on Black Friday. After all, songs like Dean Martin's "Silver Bells" and Burl Ives' "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" keep you from choking out the housewife next to you who just took the last 70% off Toaster Oven. In all seriousness, Christmas is a time for togetherness, and being with the ones we love. The music is the soundtrack to that wonderful time of the year, and thus, we use it to keep us in the Holiday Spirit when things are otherwise pretty stressful. This song, though, completely ruins my holiday spirit. From beginning to end, its as cheap sounding as a Five Dollar Las Vegas show. I'm not sure when it was made, or where it was recorded, but I'm guessing it was the 70's, and possibly in someone's basement. What record producer thought this was a good idea? Can anyone honestly say they consider this to be on the level of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas?" It's atrocious. When I think Christmas, all sorts of things come to mind: Bells, Mistletoe, Snow, Santa Claus. Y'know what I DON'T think though? Mariachi. Ugh.

3: "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

This begins a trip into toilet humor for the next two selections, so if that's not your bag, go ahead and skip to number one... right now. What smell is he talking about here? The whole song just gives the vibe that something is not quite right in the world of Skynyrd. Senses are great. Talking about the way a girl looks is fine. Can't get her taste out of your mouth? Even better. Even an allusion to her sweet perfume can be a romantic gesture in a great love song. However, calling it a "smell" just irks me in all the wrong ways. You know what smells? My trashcan. Me, after a football game. My bathroom after Moe's Burritos. Gangrene-riddled fingers, feet after being in a cast for 6 months, ashtrays, dirty diapers, rotten eggs... these are things that smell. I cannot listen to this song, and the creepiest delivery of the lyrics "mmmm that smell" without feeling a little sick to my stomach. Perhaps they just came back from a lovely dinner, Moes Burritos undoubtedly, and she used his bathroom before heading back to her place. Yes, that is exactly what is going on. This sick son of a bitch has issues... and the song just plain SUCKS.

2: "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani

Go get your dictionary. Look up "Sellout." No, not "something for which all tickets are sold"... look at the second definition. How did a picture of Gwen Stefani get in your dictionary? This song.

I remember it vividly. On a sunny day in 1995 my sister brought home a copy of "Tragic Kingdom." It was different. It was new. It was... pretty good. No Doubt was the new hip thing, and everyone loved Gwen Stefani. The spunky pseudo-punk cool chick seemed to be a force to be reckoned with. The music... was awesome. What happened? Conspiracy theorists hypothesize that the real Gwen Stefani is somewhere with Tupac and the black Michael Jackson, waiting for the right moment to reappear and save us from crappy music. What we've had, in the meanwhile, is the following:

Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit

SIXTEEN TIMES she says these lyrics. I didn't count them while hearing the song, because if I listen to the whole song my eyes start bleeding and my testicles start turning to dust. No, I looked up the lyrics online, and found this astounding fact. Sorry Gwen. You were awesome in the day... but no chick is hot enough for me to hear her talk about her shit... let alone compare it to Bananas... which I cannot eat anymore, thanks to your skanky sellout overrated VH1 Diva ass. I used to like Bananas, dammit. She's completely right, though. The song is shit. It's worse. It's like she ate her shit then regurgitated it to make super puke shit. That's disgusting. I think I've said enough here. I'm awful, I know.

and finally... after much deliberation... the worst song ever written in the history of the universe...

1: "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel

Oh Jewel. You're precious. With your angelic face, golden blond locks draping over your shoulders, and your pixie-like body hiding behind a guitar you so eloquently strum with wand-like fingers, it's no wonder you're a star. This is why I hate giving you the number one spot over Stefani. I know, you're much sweeter than her... but honey, let me tell you... you wrote and sang the creepiest song ever written. Period.

Consider the following, for your interpretation

Dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
and soon you will see
You were meant for me
and I was meant for you

Take a minute here to digest that. Go grab a soda, put the clothes in the dryer, or empty the dishwasher, and really think about what she's saying here.

If I, as a guy, sang, wrote, or otherwise sent this to a girl, I'd expect a restraining order in the mail, same-day delivery. John Hinkley shot a President for this type of thinking, over Jodi fish-eating Foster herself. Hey, who can blame the guy, she was meant for him!

Now, I know double standards exist, much to the chagrin of the ladies out there. I know, and I disagree with them too. This is one that you all totally have over the guys though. As creepy as this is, it's still considered to be a sweet song. Why? I'll never know. I always lock the door and hide under my covers after hearing this song. Then I remember that somewhere, Jewel is putting on her PJ's and hopping into bed at the same moment (from the song lyrics)... and the coincidence is scary enough for me to jump back out of bed and sleep under the kitchen table for the night.

Honestly, Gwen Stefani's song is arguably worse. However, there's just an oddness to Jewel, in that she sucks you in with sweetness only to reveal Glenn Close putting a bunny rabbit in a microwave like in "Fatal Attraction." So while feces may be abhorrent, nothing is quite worse than a psycho chick.