The 5 Worst Songs... Ever

Over the course of the past week, I've sat down and really thought about some of the songs that have been written throughout the past, oh, 2,000 years. I did some research and found Rolling Stone's top 500 songs of all time; it included John Lennon's "Imagine" Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone," and Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Without question, Rolling Stone's list was the subject of much debate.

In the same tradition, I began to ponder the opposite question. If these are the best songs of all-time, what are the worst?

After some careful research and introspection, I have done it. Behold, readers, the Five Worst Songs Ever Written, in countdown form, of course:

5: "Swing" by Trace Adkins
It begins, like all horrible songs, with a clichéd quote: "Take me out to the bawlllllgame." What follows is a guitar riff that sounds like what "Thunderstruck" would sound like if AC/DC guitarist Angus Young just one day said "To hell with it, I'll play this one with my toes." As the song progresses, Adkins vividly describes the lies he tells women in order to get them to sleep with him... he went to Harvard... he majored in Pre-Med... because obviously being a Countrah Sanger hasn't worked since Garth Brooks had to change his name to Chris Gaines. Regardless, he gets shot down by his lovely bar skanks twice. What does this mean? Why, if you're a baseball fan, that means... two strikes! Oh I get it. Life is like Baseball. Or at least Skank Shopping is... I digress. Finally, Adkins gets it right. A sportscaster shouts "Here's the pitch!" in the background to give us that "big game" feel, as the latest in the succession of hoes approaches. Trace, of course, knocks this one out of the park. It's a home-run. He wins the prize...a night with a stranger. Lovely. In the haunting DMZ that I call my "imagination," I picture his discovery that the "home-run" he hit used to be known as Ted, a former construction worker and Professional Speed-Eater who is using his winnings to pay for the last in a series of sex-change operations. After all, if you're going to write a fraudulent song, be prepared for a fraudulent result. Enjoy the chick with the dick, there, Trace.

4: "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano

I love Christmas music. There's nothing more warming than bouncing from sale to sale on Black Friday. After all, songs like Dean Martin's "Silver Bells" and Burl Ives' "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" keep you from choking out the housewife next to you who just took the last 70% off Toaster Oven. In all seriousness, Christmas is a time for togetherness, and being with the ones we love. The music is the soundtrack to that wonderful time of the year, and thus, we use it to keep us in the Holiday Spirit when things are otherwise pretty stressful. This song, though, completely ruins my holiday spirit. From beginning to end, its as cheap sounding as a Five Dollar Las Vegas show. I'm not sure when it was made, or where it was recorded, but I'm guessing it was the 70's, and possibly in someone's basement. What record producer thought this was a good idea? Can anyone honestly say they consider this to be on the level of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas?" It's atrocious. When I think Christmas, all sorts of things come to mind: Bells, Mistletoe, Snow, Santa Claus. Y'know what I DON'T think though? Mariachi. Ugh.

3: "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

This begins a trip into toilet humor for the next two selections, so if that's not your bag, go ahead and skip to number one... right now. What smell is he talking about here? The whole song just gives the vibe that something is not quite right in the world of Skynyrd. Senses are great. Talking about the way a girl looks is fine. Can't get her taste out of your mouth? Even better. Even an allusion to her sweet perfume can be a romantic gesture in a great love song. However, calling it a "smell" just irks me in all the wrong ways. You know what smells? My trashcan. Me, after a football game. My bathroom after Moe's Burritos. Gangrene-riddled fingers, feet after being in a cast for 6 months, ashtrays, dirty diapers, rotten eggs... these are things that smell. I cannot listen to this song, and the creepiest delivery of the lyrics "mmmm that smell" without feeling a little sick to my stomach. Perhaps they just came back from a lovely dinner, Moes Burritos undoubtedly, and she used his bathroom before heading back to her place. Yes, that is exactly what is going on. This sick son of a bitch has issues... and the song just plain SUCKS.

2: "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani

Go get your dictionary. Look up "Sellout." No, not "something for which all tickets are sold"... look at the second definition. How did a picture of Gwen Stefani get in your dictionary? This song.

I remember it vividly. On a sunny day in 1995 my sister brought home a copy of "Tragic Kingdom." It was different. It was new. It was... pretty good. No Doubt was the new hip thing, and everyone loved Gwen Stefani. The spunky pseudo-punk cool chick seemed to be a force to be reckoned with. The music... was awesome. What happened? Conspiracy theorists hypothesize that the real Gwen Stefani is somewhere with Tupac and the black Michael Jackson, waiting for the right moment to reappear and save us from crappy music. What we've had, in the meanwhile, is the following:

Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit

SIXTEEN TIMES she says these lyrics. I didn't count them while hearing the song, because if I listen to the whole song my eyes start bleeding and my testicles start turning to dust. No, I looked up the lyrics online, and found this astounding fact. Sorry Gwen. You were awesome in the day... but no chick is hot enough for me to hear her talk about her shit... let alone compare it to Bananas... which I cannot eat anymore, thanks to your skanky sellout overrated VH1 Diva ass. I used to like Bananas, dammit. She's completely right, though. The song is shit. It's worse. It's like she ate her shit then regurgitated it to make super puke shit. That's disgusting. I think I've said enough here. I'm awful, I know.

and finally... after much deliberation... the worst song ever written in the history of the universe...

1: "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel

Oh Jewel. You're precious. With your angelic face, golden blond locks draping over your shoulders, and your pixie-like body hiding behind a guitar you so eloquently strum with wand-like fingers, it's no wonder you're a star. This is why I hate giving you the number one spot over Stefani. I know, you're much sweeter than her... but honey, let me tell you... you wrote and sang the creepiest song ever written. Period.

Consider the following, for your interpretation

Dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
and soon you will see
You were meant for me
and I was meant for you

Take a minute here to digest that. Go grab a soda, put the clothes in the dryer, or empty the dishwasher, and really think about what she's saying here.

If I, as a guy, sang, wrote, or otherwise sent this to a girl, I'd expect a restraining order in the mail, same-day delivery. John Hinkley shot a President for this type of thinking, over Jodi fish-eating Foster herself. Hey, who can blame the guy, she was meant for him!

Now, I know double standards exist, much to the chagrin of the ladies out there. I know, and I disagree with them too. This is one that you all totally have over the guys though. As creepy as this is, it's still considered to be a sweet song. Why? I'll never know. I always lock the door and hide under my covers after hearing this song. Then I remember that somewhere, Jewel is putting on her PJ's and hopping into bed at the same moment (from the song lyrics)... and the coincidence is scary enough for me to jump back out of bed and sleep under the kitchen table for the night.

Honestly, Gwen Stefani's song is arguably worse. However, there's just an oddness to Jewel, in that she sucks you in with sweetness only to reveal Glenn Close putting a bunny rabbit in a microwave like in "Fatal Attraction." So while feces may be abhorrent, nothing is quite worse than a psycho chick.

The War on X-Mas Jam Preview

Thank God Warren Haynes has yet to succumb to the liberal elite and their war on x-mas. While city's such as Tulsa have caved to pressure from the lamestream media and the satanic ACLU and changed their parade's name from a Christmas parade to a Holiday parade, thus taking all meaning from it and eroding our puritan values that can only be represented through the name of a parade that excludes others, Warren stays strong in the midst of socialist pinko protest. The Christmas Jam takes place this Saturday in Asheville for the 22nd year. As Boomer and the Nüdge prepare to embark on this most holy of quests this preview hopes to shine a light on what true Christian Rock can really be, if you don't like it we may be forced to taunt you a second time. Enough with the disclaimers let's look at the lineup for the Saturday evening to Sunday morning service:

Steve Miller Band - I'm no Joker, this is one of the oddest headliners in a while, maybe Warren has just packed it in and decided just to take the money and run, or maybe Asheville is not such a swingtown after all. Well maybe its not that strange since last year featured Counting Crowes and Ani Difranco, maybe they could all get together and Abracadabra! a whiney boring rock band sure to tear the roof off the place. Thankfully the guy is so old we have to assume it will be one of the earlier sets since he will meet his threshold way before midnight, unless his big ol jetairliner runs late in which case we just hope everyone is drunk enough by the time he goes on that jungle love has taken over the Asheville Civic Center. Regardless its an odd pick for the wintertime classic, just hope everyone has enough spirits to dance, dance, dance.

This quote was shared with me yesterday and is too classic not to share:

"I remember one time-it might have been a couple of times-at the Fillmore East in 1970, I was opening for this sorry-ass cat named Steve Miller. Steve Miller didn;t have his shit going for him, so I'm pissed because I got to open for this non-playing motherfucker just because he had one or two sorry ass records out. so I would come late and he have to go on first and then we got there and smoked the motherfucking place, everybody dug it" - Miles Davis

The Warren Haynes Band- this one i am actually really intrigued by, it is supposedly Warren's first venture into soul and will be the debut performance of this band. However I fear we may get a lot of man ballads here. The lineup looks great, with George Porter Jr. of Meters fame on bass, Ivan Neville from Dumpstafunk on keys and Raymond Weber on drums. This will surely be late night and hopefully we have good stuff to report back, Warren with those guys should not dissapoint.

Gregg Allman- Come and let me show you my tattoo - what else can I say.

John Bell (Widespread Panic) - Jojo is one of the special guests, so this begs the question what are the rest of these assfaces doing that they can't show up, School's too busy eating kittens? JB solo is usually pretty entertaining.

Umphrey's McGee - never been that big of a fan, always thought their original music sounded like someone who kept going from being wasted drunk to snorting coke constantly but never mixed the two. However, they are pretty good musicians and do some strange things with combining covers, so it could be interesting. And can you really hate on a band that has covered Dick in a Box?

The Dirty Dozen Brass Band - good ol new orleans music, hope we get some of JB with them and Warren, George Porter and Ivan Neville.

Missing Cats - never heard of them

Drive by Truckers- in the original lineup but canceled along with their Scandinavian tour cause they went too hardcore in Scandanavia, big disappointment that they canceled, was looking forward to a rousing rendition of the president's penis is missing.

Special Guests:
Mike Barnes
Cody Dickinson
Fred Eltringham
Sherman Ewing
Ruthie Foster
Audley Freed
John "JoJo" Hermann
Terence Higgins
Ron Holloway
Ron Johnson
Robert Kearns
Kevn Kinney
Ivan Neville

Should be a great way to celebrate 14 days early the random day that has been chosen to celebrate the birth of the lord, no pagans allowed.

The man I hate most in rock

He sits atop this inglorious throne, oblivious to his true place in the music world. Like so many before him, he perceives himself to be a legend of rock history. Yet, as my good friend so eloquently put it, he's "everything that's wrong with rock-n-roll, in one man."

I could post a twelve hundred page thesis detailing the litany of reasons my hatred for this particular douche-nozzle runs so deep. Sometimes, though, images speak louder than words. And with that notion in mind, it is my unfortunate displeasure to present to you none other than...

Michael Anthony, the bearded, balding and bloated bassist for Van Halen.

Is imitation really the best form of flattery?

While the above aphorism may be true in many contexts, I venture to disagree with this maxim when it comes to music.

Today, I tackle the subject of cover songs. What is it about a good cover song that sticks with you; perhaps as being even better than the original? What are the elements of a bad cover song, and how to spot one when you... well... hear it? As usual, I come loaded with opinions on just these issues.

First things first:

What's the definition of a cover song?

Technically, the definition of a cover song is simply a song performed by one artist, but written by another. To me, however, it's not that simple. Often times, people write music without the intention of ever performing the song themselves. All of the big record lables staff a legion of professional song writers whose main function is to churn out chart-topping hits for the premier artists on their label. For example, can we really say that Kelly Clarkson is a cover artist for singing the songs that Clive Davis shovels her way?

Maybe. But when I think of cover song, I think of one artist paying tribute to a predecessor's work by performing that predecessor's material. It's not just playing a song someone else wrote. It's not just "singing" a number on stage that was manufactured for sole purpose of furthering your career.

In my book, when an artist plays a true cover song they intend for listeners to know that the song they're hearing is not an original. Rather, they're hearing the interpretation of another's work, and the current performer believes the song (or the way they play the song) says something about who they are as an artist. In essence, I believe a cover song is one musician giving his or her audience a glimpse of the influences that helped shape that person into the artist they have become.

This all sounds weighty and deep, but many songs fit my heady definition of a "cover" and still make me want to fill my ears with concrete.

What makes a cover song bad?

Just because you want to pay tribute to an earlier band, or show everyone that a particular tune really helped define you as a musician, you can still put out a crappy cover song.

To me, a bad cover song is one that says virtually nothing about the artist performing the song... except for maybe that they have heard the song before and they think they might be able to bring it back to life so as to fatten the old wallet. These are the covers that sound so close to the original that the average listener out there is fooled into thinking, "Ooh, i've heard this song before. It's familiar and comforting! I think i'll buy this on Itunes now."

I give you exhibits One (and its original), Two (and its original - kind of, I know the Monkee's didn't write anything original, but you get my point), and Three (and its original.)

Or worse yet, a bad cover is when are artist tries to send a message to their audience saying "this music shaped me," but in reality, they are lying and anyone with an eardrum can tell it.

If you can bear it, see these illustrative displays of musical abortion: retch, gag and finally a big, bile-filled puke.

But fear not, for amidst the sea of the insipid a few treasures are buried.

What makes a cover song good?

This is a little harder to put into in words. There's just something about a good cover. When you hear it you know it's performed with sincerity and soul; you know the artist is reaching out to the audience and inviting them in. And best of all, the artist performs the cover song. They don't just play it; they put their own spin on the song. Through this artistic interpretation they offer the listener a tune that is simultaneously someone's else song and their own.

A strong argument can be made that the greatest cover of all time is Jimi Hendrix's version of "All Along the Watchtower" from the Electric Ladyland album (1968). It's certainly my favorite cover song, and not just because this song has one of the greatest guitar solos ever recorded in the studio. The great thing about this masterpeice is that the orignal song, written and performed by Bob Dylan, was release just one year before Hendrix's version (on Dylan's John Wesley Harding album, 1968). By that time Dylan had already cemented his spot in popular music history. Hendrix was oozing with originality, and that ooze certainly helped him take the folky, acoustic song of an icon and turn it into a paradigm-shattering display of musical genius.

Enough talking, let the comparison speak for itself:
- The orignial All Along the Watchtower here
- Hendrix's cover here

Another one of my favorite covers of a Bob Dylan song is the Derek Trucks Band's version of "Down in the Flood." DTB, and in particular the slide guitar work of Derek himself, takes this song to a place few could even imagine (but that's what you can do when you're a musical prodigy unlike any before you.)

Comparison:
- Dylan's version of Down in the Flood
- Derek Trucks Band cover

Many of the best covers, however, are not pricelss gems of the recording studio. Often times, they are the result of the energy and inspiration that the only the live stage can provide. A splendid example of this type of cover is Joe Cocker's cover of the Beatles "With a Little Help From My Friends" at Woodstock.

Comparison:
- The orignial by the Beatles
- Cocker's liver version at Woodstock

Sometimes, these live explosions can become far more famous than the already-famous orignial. This is often the case in the blues genre. The blues is largely built on the art of the cover song. After the birth of rock-n-roll and the electric guitar, the so-called "blues rock" scene gave us some of the greatest live covers of all time.

The most famous example probably being Cream's cover of Robert Johnson's "Cross Road Blues." Comparison:
- The original "Cross Road Blues" by Robert Johnson
- Cream's live version, entitled "Crossroads."

Four of the greatest blues rock covers ever all happened at a single concert (a two-night show, weekend show in 1972) - later released as, in my humble opinion, the greateset live album of all time: The Allman Brothers Band, Live at the Fillmore East.

Comparisons from that record:
- The orignial Statesboro Blues by the famous Blind Willie McTell
- Allman's live version

- The orignial version of Trouble No More by the even more famous Muddy Waters
- Allman's live version

- The orignial version of "Done Somebody Wrong" by the guitar legend Elmore James
- Allman's live version

- The orignial version of "Call it Stormy Monday" by the jazz/blues fusion pioneer T-Bone Walker
- Allman's live version

So where you can hear a good cover today?

Chances are, probably not on the radio.

It would have pained me to say this a few years ago, but it seems that now the best place to hear a great cover song is at a live "jam band" concert. The Nüdge, given his past experiences on the concert lawn, would know more those shows than I. But it seems to me that bands such as Phish, Widespread Panic, Govt Mule, the Black Crowes and the Derek Trucks Band are keeping the art of the cover alive. Maybe Nüdge can give us some good examples, I know they're out there.

For now, feel free to post your own ideas of good and/or bad covers. I'm interested to hear others' take on this.


Boomer

Dan vs. Dave: The Battle Continues

Since Boomer sucks, it looks like its up to the Nüdge to keep the blog alive.

This one will require some feedback. As you all know the epic battle between Dans and Daves has raged since the early 1990's. Dans would argue that winning the gold medal in the 1996 Olympics clearly is the trump card in the classic battle. However, Daves may counter that no medal can account for the epic fail that was Dan's lack of qualifying in 1992 after all the hype.

There is no doubt that Dan in Real Life is superior to Meet Dave, but what about Dave, a pretty solid flic and most likely Ben Kingsleys greatest role, sorry Ghandi. Since this is a music blog maybe we should settle it there so I have a reason to post this here.

Dave Matthews -- what would you say, I say weak sauce, but still better than 80% of the crap out there.

Steely Dan -- solid band, sweet light show, Reeling in the years, and mad props to any band that Michael McDonald contributed to.

Dave Grohl - would be a positve for Daves all over had he stopped at Nirvana, however the addition of "There goes my Heeerooo watch him as he goes" to his resume, makes me watch his positive impact for Dave's go as well.

Banjo Dan and the Midnight Plowboys - wow mad points for Dans everywhere on this one: --US Senator Patrick Leahy: "Thanks, Dan. What a production!" Hard to argue this is not a blow to Daves around the globe.

Dave Mason - this is a good one for Daves, he played with just about everyone, Traffic kicks ass, and he plays the acoustic on Hendrix's version of All Along the Watchtower

Dave Mustaine - too hard core for Metallica (what a bunch of sellout pansies to have to kick him out), formed his own band called Megadeth, and beat George Clinton on Rock and Roll Jeopardy not sure how Dans can top this...

Hmmm Goodbye Dan Marino perhaps?

-Nüdge

K&W Calling

While we wait endlessly for Boomer to post his next musings, I have decided to break my place in line and post since Boomer is taking months and is a lazy ass, anyways I was recently inspired by two great things: The K&W Cafeteria and The Clash's London calling. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be great if two classics like this could be combined some how, so below is the love child of the song and the food, you can see the two really do belong together like peanut butter and jelly, if peanut butter were a song by a british punk band and jelly was a southern food cafeteria that is. Enjoy with a little biscuit and excitement on the side:

♫ K&W calling to the faraway towns
Lunch time is declared - and trays come down
K&W calling to the hungerworld
Come out of the cupboard,you boys and girls
K&W calling, now don't eat too much
Phoney Picadilly has bitten the dust
K&W calling, see we ain't got no dumplings
'Cept for liver and onions and that luncheon thing

CHORUS
The seniors are coming, lard asses zooming in
Jello mold and pies, no hope in growing thin
A vegan's terror, but I have no fear
Cause K&W is open and graavvvy, flows like a river!

K&W calling to the stomach alone?
Forget it, brother, throw the taste buds a bone
K&W calling may lead to our death
Keep pigging out - its better than meth
K&W calling - and I don't wanna shout
But while we were talking I saw lines thinning out
K&W calling, see they ain't got no fries
Except for that skin on drumsticks and thighs

CHORUS x2
The seniors are coming, lard asses zooming in
Jello mold and pies, no hope in growing thin
A vegan's terror, but I have no fear
Cause K&W is open and graavvvy, flows like a river!

Now get this
K&W calling, yes, I was there, too
An' you know what they said? Well, some of it was true!
K&W calling pan pie for a while,
And after soft rolls, won't you give me a smile?
K&W Calling

I never felt so much alike, like-a, like-a...

Top 5 Worst Songs by Great Artists

So The Nüdge has a penchant for making top 5 lists, my goal is to make enough over time that I can eventually make a Top 5 Top 5 lists list. So we are going to start it off with the Top 5 Worst Songs by Great Artists. Let me explain the criteria I am using a bit. In order to be eligible the song must be really, really bad but performed by an artist I think is really good. So for instance while I may be tempted to put every song ever played by the The Eagles on the list, I cannot because that would imply that in spite of this one song (in this case their entire repertoire) that they are still great which they clearly are not. The same analogy also works for Aerosmith, although they may be eligible for a future Top 5 list: Top 5 Great Songs by Horrible Artists. Anyways I think you get the point, feel free to comment and add suggestions, if they are bad enough I may have to edit the list, like the Constitution it can be viewed as a living and breathing document.

5) Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton - I know this one will be a controversial pick because of the subject matter of this song but seriously this is the guy who rocked with Cream, ripped Crossroads, played Further on up the Road at the Last Waltz, and who covers J.J. Cale like no other not once but twice, and we have to listen to this. Add the requisite saturation through constant radio play and the sympathy Grammy's and this song becomes borderline unbearable.

4)Shiny Happy People-R.E.M. - This song makes me want to shoot myself in the head. And just when you thought it couldn't be worse... , actually I take it back that may be better.

3)France - The Grateful Dead - This song is so bad I cannot find an Internet link for audio of it, the best I can do is find a site that scrolls the lyrics, my only guess is because to play the song would immediately bankrupt the web provider. Seriously find the Shakedown Street album put it on Track 2 and wonder to yourself how this is not #1 on my list, especially compared to this from the same album. Thanks for letting Mickey Hart write a song and Donna Jean sing one guys. If this had been written by Weir/Barlow or Garcia/Hunter it might really be #1, it slides to #3 because maybe they were just throwing Mickey a bone by putting it on the album either that or they had found some really really potent drugs at the time. Never Performed Live.

2)Higher Love - Steve Winwood - This song is so bad it almost makes you forget how great Steve Winwood actually is. From Spencer Davis Group to Traffic to Blind Faith (a band with two members cracking this list) Steve Winwood was an artist that other artists wanted to play with. I saw a Biography on Jimi Hendrix where a close friend of his is talking about how Jimi always wanted to play with Steve Winwood but was too nervous to ask, something tell me if he had been around for this release it may have settled his nerves a bit.

1)I'm No Angel - Gregg Allman - When I first found out this was Gregg Allman I did not believe it, I actually thought it was Eddie Money for years. Boasting great lyrics such as "Come and let me show you my tattoo" it is hard to see where this song steered so far wrong. I can only rest easy that Gregg Allman did not end his career with this, and has since been touring with The Allman Brothers Band and not playing this garbage. Talk about a roller coaster, start with this brilliance then move to what we are discussing and then come full circle to end well.

Others receiving votes: Kokomo - The Beach Boys, Savoy Truffle - The Beatles, The entire Album -Ball - Widespread Panic.

Ok there is my list, have at it, up next Top 5 Worst Venues to see a show.
Nüdge out.