The 5 Worst Songs... Ever

Over the course of the past week, I've sat down and really thought about some of the songs that have been written throughout the past, oh, 2,000 years. I did some research and found Rolling Stone's top 500 songs of all time; it included John Lennon's "Imagine" Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone," and Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Without question, Rolling Stone's list was the subject of much debate.

In the same tradition, I began to ponder the opposite question. If these are the best songs of all-time, what are the worst?

After some careful research and introspection, I have done it. Behold, readers, the Five Worst Songs Ever Written, in countdown form, of course:

5: "Swing" by Trace Adkins
It begins, like all horrible songs, with a clichéd quote: "Take me out to the bawlllllgame." What follows is a guitar riff that sounds like what "Thunderstruck" would sound like if AC/DC guitarist Angus Young just one day said "To hell with it, I'll play this one with my toes." As the song progresses, Adkins vividly describes the lies he tells women in order to get them to sleep with him... he went to Harvard... he majored in Pre-Med... because obviously being a Countrah Sanger hasn't worked since Garth Brooks had to change his name to Chris Gaines. Regardless, he gets shot down by his lovely bar skanks twice. What does this mean? Why, if you're a baseball fan, that means... two strikes! Oh I get it. Life is like Baseball. Or at least Skank Shopping is... I digress. Finally, Adkins gets it right. A sportscaster shouts "Here's the pitch!" in the background to give us that "big game" feel, as the latest in the succession of hoes approaches. Trace, of course, knocks this one out of the park. It's a home-run. He wins the prize...a night with a stranger. Lovely. In the haunting DMZ that I call my "imagination," I picture his discovery that the "home-run" he hit used to be known as Ted, a former construction worker and Professional Speed-Eater who is using his winnings to pay for the last in a series of sex-change operations. After all, if you're going to write a fraudulent song, be prepared for a fraudulent result. Enjoy the chick with the dick, there, Trace.

4: "Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano

I love Christmas music. There's nothing more warming than bouncing from sale to sale on Black Friday. After all, songs like Dean Martin's "Silver Bells" and Burl Ives' "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" keep you from choking out the housewife next to you who just took the last 70% off Toaster Oven. In all seriousness, Christmas is a time for togetherness, and being with the ones we love. The music is the soundtrack to that wonderful time of the year, and thus, we use it to keep us in the Holiday Spirit when things are otherwise pretty stressful. This song, though, completely ruins my holiday spirit. From beginning to end, its as cheap sounding as a Five Dollar Las Vegas show. I'm not sure when it was made, or where it was recorded, but I'm guessing it was the 70's, and possibly in someone's basement. What record producer thought this was a good idea? Can anyone honestly say they consider this to be on the level of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas?" It's atrocious. When I think Christmas, all sorts of things come to mind: Bells, Mistletoe, Snow, Santa Claus. Y'know what I DON'T think though? Mariachi. Ugh.

3: "That Smell" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

This begins a trip into toilet humor for the next two selections, so if that's not your bag, go ahead and skip to number one... right now. What smell is he talking about here? The whole song just gives the vibe that something is not quite right in the world of Skynyrd. Senses are great. Talking about the way a girl looks is fine. Can't get her taste out of your mouth? Even better. Even an allusion to her sweet perfume can be a romantic gesture in a great love song. However, calling it a "smell" just irks me in all the wrong ways. You know what smells? My trashcan. Me, after a football game. My bathroom after Moe's Burritos. Gangrene-riddled fingers, feet after being in a cast for 6 months, ashtrays, dirty diapers, rotten eggs... these are things that smell. I cannot listen to this song, and the creepiest delivery of the lyrics "mmmm that smell" without feeling a little sick to my stomach. Perhaps they just came back from a lovely dinner, Moes Burritos undoubtedly, and she used his bathroom before heading back to her place. Yes, that is exactly what is going on. This sick son of a bitch has issues... and the song just plain SUCKS.

2: "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani

Go get your dictionary. Look up "Sellout." No, not "something for which all tickets are sold"... look at the second definition. How did a picture of Gwen Stefani get in your dictionary? This song.

I remember it vividly. On a sunny day in 1995 my sister brought home a copy of "Tragic Kingdom." It was different. It was new. It was... pretty good. No Doubt was the new hip thing, and everyone loved Gwen Stefani. The spunky pseudo-punk cool chick seemed to be a force to be reckoned with. The music... was awesome. What happened? Conspiracy theorists hypothesize that the real Gwen Stefani is somewhere with Tupac and the black Michael Jackson, waiting for the right moment to reappear and save us from crappy music. What we've had, in the meanwhile, is the following:

Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit

SIXTEEN TIMES she says these lyrics. I didn't count them while hearing the song, because if I listen to the whole song my eyes start bleeding and my testicles start turning to dust. No, I looked up the lyrics online, and found this astounding fact. Sorry Gwen. You were awesome in the day... but no chick is hot enough for me to hear her talk about her shit... let alone compare it to Bananas... which I cannot eat anymore, thanks to your skanky sellout overrated VH1 Diva ass. I used to like Bananas, dammit. She's completely right, though. The song is shit. It's worse. It's like she ate her shit then regurgitated it to make super puke shit. That's disgusting. I think I've said enough here. I'm awful, I know.

and finally... after much deliberation... the worst song ever written in the history of the universe...

1: "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel

Oh Jewel. You're precious. With your angelic face, golden blond locks draping over your shoulders, and your pixie-like body hiding behind a guitar you so eloquently strum with wand-like fingers, it's no wonder you're a star. This is why I hate giving you the number one spot over Stefani. I know, you're much sweeter than her... but honey, let me tell you... you wrote and sang the creepiest song ever written. Period.

Consider the following, for your interpretation

Dreams last for so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
and soon you will see
You were meant for me
and I was meant for you

Take a minute here to digest that. Go grab a soda, put the clothes in the dryer, or empty the dishwasher, and really think about what she's saying here.

If I, as a guy, sang, wrote, or otherwise sent this to a girl, I'd expect a restraining order in the mail, same-day delivery. John Hinkley shot a President for this type of thinking, over Jodi fish-eating Foster herself. Hey, who can blame the guy, she was meant for him!

Now, I know double standards exist, much to the chagrin of the ladies out there. I know, and I disagree with them too. This is one that you all totally have over the guys though. As creepy as this is, it's still considered to be a sweet song. Why? I'll never know. I always lock the door and hide under my covers after hearing this song. Then I remember that somewhere, Jewel is putting on her PJ's and hopping into bed at the same moment (from the song lyrics)... and the coincidence is scary enough for me to jump back out of bed and sleep under the kitchen table for the night.

Honestly, Gwen Stefani's song is arguably worse. However, there's just an oddness to Jewel, in that she sucks you in with sweetness only to reveal Glenn Close putting a bunny rabbit in a microwave like in "Fatal Attraction." So while feces may be abhorrent, nothing is quite worse than a psycho chick.

The War on X-Mas Jam Preview

Thank God Warren Haynes has yet to succumb to the liberal elite and their war on x-mas. While city's such as Tulsa have caved to pressure from the lamestream media and the satanic ACLU and changed their parade's name from a Christmas parade to a Holiday parade, thus taking all meaning from it and eroding our puritan values that can only be represented through the name of a parade that excludes others, Warren stays strong in the midst of socialist pinko protest. The Christmas Jam takes place this Saturday in Asheville for the 22nd year. As Boomer and the Nüdge prepare to embark on this most holy of quests this preview hopes to shine a light on what true Christian Rock can really be, if you don't like it we may be forced to taunt you a second time. Enough with the disclaimers let's look at the lineup for the Saturday evening to Sunday morning service:

Steve Miller Band - I'm no Joker, this is one of the oddest headliners in a while, maybe Warren has just packed it in and decided just to take the money and run, or maybe Asheville is not such a swingtown after all. Well maybe its not that strange since last year featured Counting Crowes and Ani Difranco, maybe they could all get together and Abracadabra! a whiney boring rock band sure to tear the roof off the place. Thankfully the guy is so old we have to assume it will be one of the earlier sets since he will meet his threshold way before midnight, unless his big ol jetairliner runs late in which case we just hope everyone is drunk enough by the time he goes on that jungle love has taken over the Asheville Civic Center. Regardless its an odd pick for the wintertime classic, just hope everyone has enough spirits to dance, dance, dance.

This quote was shared with me yesterday and is too classic not to share:

"I remember one time-it might have been a couple of times-at the Fillmore East in 1970, I was opening for this sorry-ass cat named Steve Miller. Steve Miller didn;t have his shit going for him, so I'm pissed because I got to open for this non-playing motherfucker just because he had one or two sorry ass records out. so I would come late and he have to go on first and then we got there and smoked the motherfucking place, everybody dug it" - Miles Davis

The Warren Haynes Band- this one i am actually really intrigued by, it is supposedly Warren's first venture into soul and will be the debut performance of this band. However I fear we may get a lot of man ballads here. The lineup looks great, with George Porter Jr. of Meters fame on bass, Ivan Neville from Dumpstafunk on keys and Raymond Weber on drums. This will surely be late night and hopefully we have good stuff to report back, Warren with those guys should not dissapoint.

Gregg Allman- Come and let me show you my tattoo - what else can I say.

John Bell (Widespread Panic) - Jojo is one of the special guests, so this begs the question what are the rest of these assfaces doing that they can't show up, School's too busy eating kittens? JB solo is usually pretty entertaining.

Umphrey's McGee - never been that big of a fan, always thought their original music sounded like someone who kept going from being wasted drunk to snorting coke constantly but never mixed the two. However, they are pretty good musicians and do some strange things with combining covers, so it could be interesting. And can you really hate on a band that has covered Dick in a Box?

The Dirty Dozen Brass Band - good ol new orleans music, hope we get some of JB with them and Warren, George Porter and Ivan Neville.

Missing Cats - never heard of them

Drive by Truckers- in the original lineup but canceled along with their Scandinavian tour cause they went too hardcore in Scandanavia, big disappointment that they canceled, was looking forward to a rousing rendition of the president's penis is missing.

Special Guests:
Mike Barnes
Cody Dickinson
Fred Eltringham
Sherman Ewing
Ruthie Foster
Audley Freed
John "JoJo" Hermann
Terence Higgins
Ron Holloway
Ron Johnson
Robert Kearns
Kevn Kinney
Ivan Neville

Should be a great way to celebrate 14 days early the random day that has been chosen to celebrate the birth of the lord, no pagans allowed.

The man I hate most in rock

He sits atop this inglorious throne, oblivious to his true place in the music world. Like so many before him, he perceives himself to be a legend of rock history. Yet, as my good friend so eloquently put it, he's "everything that's wrong with rock-n-roll, in one man."

I could post a twelve hundred page thesis detailing the litany of reasons my hatred for this particular douche-nozzle runs so deep. Sometimes, though, images speak louder than words. And with that notion in mind, it is my unfortunate displeasure to present to you none other than...

Michael Anthony, the bearded, balding and bloated bassist for Van Halen.

Is imitation really the best form of flattery?

While the above aphorism may be true in many contexts, I venture to disagree with this maxim when it comes to music.

Today, I tackle the subject of cover songs. What is it about a good cover song that sticks with you; perhaps as being even better than the original? What are the elements of a bad cover song, and how to spot one when you... well... hear it? As usual, I come loaded with opinions on just these issues.

First things first:

What's the definition of a cover song?

Technically, the definition of a cover song is simply a song performed by one artist, but written by another. To me, however, it's not that simple. Often times, people write music without the intention of ever performing the song themselves. All of the big record lables staff a legion of professional song writers whose main function is to churn out chart-topping hits for the premier artists on their label. For example, can we really say that Kelly Clarkson is a cover artist for singing the songs that Clive Davis shovels her way?

Maybe. But when I think of cover song, I think of one artist paying tribute to a predecessor's work by performing that predecessor's material. It's not just playing a song someone else wrote. It's not just "singing" a number on stage that was manufactured for sole purpose of furthering your career.

In my book, when an artist plays a true cover song they intend for listeners to know that the song they're hearing is not an original. Rather, they're hearing the interpretation of another's work, and the current performer believes the song (or the way they play the song) says something about who they are as an artist. In essence, I believe a cover song is one musician giving his or her audience a glimpse of the influences that helped shape that person into the artist they have become.

This all sounds weighty and deep, but many songs fit my heady definition of a "cover" and still make me want to fill my ears with concrete.

What makes a cover song bad?

Just because you want to pay tribute to an earlier band, or show everyone that a particular tune really helped define you as a musician, you can still put out a crappy cover song.

To me, a bad cover song is one that says virtually nothing about the artist performing the song... except for maybe that they have heard the song before and they think they might be able to bring it back to life so as to fatten the old wallet. These are the covers that sound so close to the original that the average listener out there is fooled into thinking, "Ooh, i've heard this song before. It's familiar and comforting! I think i'll buy this on Itunes now."

I give you exhibits One (and its original), Two (and its original - kind of, I know the Monkee's didn't write anything original, but you get my point), and Three (and its original.)

Or worse yet, a bad cover is when are artist tries to send a message to their audience saying "this music shaped me," but in reality, they are lying and anyone with an eardrum can tell it.

If you can bear it, see these illustrative displays of musical abortion: retch, gag and finally a big, bile-filled puke.

But fear not, for amidst the sea of the insipid a few treasures are buried.

What makes a cover song good?

This is a little harder to put into in words. There's just something about a good cover. When you hear it you know it's performed with sincerity and soul; you know the artist is reaching out to the audience and inviting them in. And best of all, the artist performs the cover song. They don't just play it; they put their own spin on the song. Through this artistic interpretation they offer the listener a tune that is simultaneously someone's else song and their own.

A strong argument can be made that the greatest cover of all time is Jimi Hendrix's version of "All Along the Watchtower" from the Electric Ladyland album (1968). It's certainly my favorite cover song, and not just because this song has one of the greatest guitar solos ever recorded in the studio. The great thing about this masterpeice is that the orignal song, written and performed by Bob Dylan, was release just one year before Hendrix's version (on Dylan's John Wesley Harding album, 1968). By that time Dylan had already cemented his spot in popular music history. Hendrix was oozing with originality, and that ooze certainly helped him take the folky, acoustic song of an icon and turn it into a paradigm-shattering display of musical genius.

Enough talking, let the comparison speak for itself:
- The orignial All Along the Watchtower here
- Hendrix's cover here

Another one of my favorite covers of a Bob Dylan song is the Derek Trucks Band's version of "Down in the Flood." DTB, and in particular the slide guitar work of Derek himself, takes this song to a place few could even imagine (but that's what you can do when you're a musical prodigy unlike any before you.)

Comparison:
- Dylan's version of Down in the Flood
- Derek Trucks Band cover

Many of the best covers, however, are not pricelss gems of the recording studio. Often times, they are the result of the energy and inspiration that the only the live stage can provide. A splendid example of this type of cover is Joe Cocker's cover of the Beatles "With a Little Help From My Friends" at Woodstock.

Comparison:
- The orignial by the Beatles
- Cocker's liver version at Woodstock

Sometimes, these live explosions can become far more famous than the already-famous orignial. This is often the case in the blues genre. The blues is largely built on the art of the cover song. After the birth of rock-n-roll and the electric guitar, the so-called "blues rock" scene gave us some of the greatest live covers of all time.

The most famous example probably being Cream's cover of Robert Johnson's "Cross Road Blues." Comparison:
- The original "Cross Road Blues" by Robert Johnson
- Cream's live version, entitled "Crossroads."

Four of the greatest blues rock covers ever all happened at a single concert (a two-night show, weekend show in 1972) - later released as, in my humble opinion, the greateset live album of all time: The Allman Brothers Band, Live at the Fillmore East.

Comparisons from that record:
- The orignial Statesboro Blues by the famous Blind Willie McTell
- Allman's live version

- The orignial version of Trouble No More by the even more famous Muddy Waters
- Allman's live version

- The orignial version of "Done Somebody Wrong" by the guitar legend Elmore James
- Allman's live version

- The orignial version of "Call it Stormy Monday" by the jazz/blues fusion pioneer T-Bone Walker
- Allman's live version

So where you can hear a good cover today?

Chances are, probably not on the radio.

It would have pained me to say this a few years ago, but it seems that now the best place to hear a great cover song is at a live "jam band" concert. The Nüdge, given his past experiences on the concert lawn, would know more those shows than I. But it seems to me that bands such as Phish, Widespread Panic, Govt Mule, the Black Crowes and the Derek Trucks Band are keeping the art of the cover alive. Maybe Nüdge can give us some good examples, I know they're out there.

For now, feel free to post your own ideas of good and/or bad covers. I'm interested to hear others' take on this.


Boomer

Dan vs. Dave: The Battle Continues

Since Boomer sucks, it looks like its up to the Nüdge to keep the blog alive.

This one will require some feedback. As you all know the epic battle between Dans and Daves has raged since the early 1990's. Dans would argue that winning the gold medal in the 1996 Olympics clearly is the trump card in the classic battle. However, Daves may counter that no medal can account for the epic fail that was Dan's lack of qualifying in 1992 after all the hype.

There is no doubt that Dan in Real Life is superior to Meet Dave, but what about Dave, a pretty solid flic and most likely Ben Kingsleys greatest role, sorry Ghandi. Since this is a music blog maybe we should settle it there so I have a reason to post this here.

Dave Matthews -- what would you say, I say weak sauce, but still better than 80% of the crap out there.

Steely Dan -- solid band, sweet light show, Reeling in the years, and mad props to any band that Michael McDonald contributed to.

Dave Grohl - would be a positve for Daves all over had he stopped at Nirvana, however the addition of "There goes my Heeerooo watch him as he goes" to his resume, makes me watch his positive impact for Dave's go as well.

Banjo Dan and the Midnight Plowboys - wow mad points for Dans everywhere on this one: --US Senator Patrick Leahy: "Thanks, Dan. What a production!" Hard to argue this is not a blow to Daves around the globe.

Dave Mason - this is a good one for Daves, he played with just about everyone, Traffic kicks ass, and he plays the acoustic on Hendrix's version of All Along the Watchtower

Dave Mustaine - too hard core for Metallica (what a bunch of sellout pansies to have to kick him out), formed his own band called Megadeth, and beat George Clinton on Rock and Roll Jeopardy not sure how Dans can top this...

Hmmm Goodbye Dan Marino perhaps?

-Nüdge

K&W Calling

While we wait endlessly for Boomer to post his next musings, I have decided to break my place in line and post since Boomer is taking months and is a lazy ass, anyways I was recently inspired by two great things: The K&W Cafeteria and The Clash's London calling. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be great if two classics like this could be combined some how, so below is the love child of the song and the food, you can see the two really do belong together like peanut butter and jelly, if peanut butter were a song by a british punk band and jelly was a southern food cafeteria that is. Enjoy with a little biscuit and excitement on the side:

♫ K&W calling to the faraway towns
Lunch time is declared - and trays come down
K&W calling to the hungerworld
Come out of the cupboard,you boys and girls
K&W calling, now don't eat too much
Phoney Picadilly has bitten the dust
K&W calling, see we ain't got no dumplings
'Cept for liver and onions and that luncheon thing

CHORUS
The seniors are coming, lard asses zooming in
Jello mold and pies, no hope in growing thin
A vegan's terror, but I have no fear
Cause K&W is open and graavvvy, flows like a river!

K&W calling to the stomach alone?
Forget it, brother, throw the taste buds a bone
K&W calling may lead to our death
Keep pigging out - its better than meth
K&W calling - and I don't wanna shout
But while we were talking I saw lines thinning out
K&W calling, see they ain't got no fries
Except for that skin on drumsticks and thighs

CHORUS x2
The seniors are coming, lard asses zooming in
Jello mold and pies, no hope in growing thin
A vegan's terror, but I have no fear
Cause K&W is open and graavvvy, flows like a river!

Now get this
K&W calling, yes, I was there, too
An' you know what they said? Well, some of it was true!
K&W calling pan pie for a while,
And after soft rolls, won't you give me a smile?
K&W Calling

I never felt so much alike, like-a, like-a...

Top 5 Worst Songs by Great Artists

So The Nüdge has a penchant for making top 5 lists, my goal is to make enough over time that I can eventually make a Top 5 Top 5 lists list. So we are going to start it off with the Top 5 Worst Songs by Great Artists. Let me explain the criteria I am using a bit. In order to be eligible the song must be really, really bad but performed by an artist I think is really good. So for instance while I may be tempted to put every song ever played by the The Eagles on the list, I cannot because that would imply that in spite of this one song (in this case their entire repertoire) that they are still great which they clearly are not. The same analogy also works for Aerosmith, although they may be eligible for a future Top 5 list: Top 5 Great Songs by Horrible Artists. Anyways I think you get the point, feel free to comment and add suggestions, if they are bad enough I may have to edit the list, like the Constitution it can be viewed as a living and breathing document.

5) Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton - I know this one will be a controversial pick because of the subject matter of this song but seriously this is the guy who rocked with Cream, ripped Crossroads, played Further on up the Road at the Last Waltz, and who covers J.J. Cale like no other not once but twice, and we have to listen to this. Add the requisite saturation through constant radio play and the sympathy Grammy's and this song becomes borderline unbearable.

4)Shiny Happy People-R.E.M. - This song makes me want to shoot myself in the head. And just when you thought it couldn't be worse... , actually I take it back that may be better.

3)France - The Grateful Dead - This song is so bad I cannot find an Internet link for audio of it, the best I can do is find a site that scrolls the lyrics, my only guess is because to play the song would immediately bankrupt the web provider. Seriously find the Shakedown Street album put it on Track 2 and wonder to yourself how this is not #1 on my list, especially compared to this from the same album. Thanks for letting Mickey Hart write a song and Donna Jean sing one guys. If this had been written by Weir/Barlow or Garcia/Hunter it might really be #1, it slides to #3 because maybe they were just throwing Mickey a bone by putting it on the album either that or they had found some really really potent drugs at the time. Never Performed Live.

2)Higher Love - Steve Winwood - This song is so bad it almost makes you forget how great Steve Winwood actually is. From Spencer Davis Group to Traffic to Blind Faith (a band with two members cracking this list) Steve Winwood was an artist that other artists wanted to play with. I saw a Biography on Jimi Hendrix where a close friend of his is talking about how Jimi always wanted to play with Steve Winwood but was too nervous to ask, something tell me if he had been around for this release it may have settled his nerves a bit.

1)I'm No Angel - Gregg Allman - When I first found out this was Gregg Allman I did not believe it, I actually thought it was Eddie Money for years. Boasting great lyrics such as "Come and let me show you my tattoo" it is hard to see where this song steered so far wrong. I can only rest easy that Gregg Allman did not end his career with this, and has since been touring with The Allman Brothers Band and not playing this garbage. Talk about a roller coaster, start with this brilliance then move to what we are discussing and then come full circle to end well.

Others receiving votes: Kokomo - The Beach Boys, Savoy Truffle - The Beatles, The entire Album -Ball - Widespread Panic.

Ok there is my list, have at it, up next Top 5 Worst Venues to see a show.
Nüdge out.

That Sweet New Orleans Piano Sound

Everybody has heard of the blues and jazz. But, have you ever heard of boogie woogie, zydeco, stride, ragtime, and calypso? Well believe it or not, all seven of these musical forms played an important role in shaping and influencing the amorphous genre we call rock and roll.

As one of the big three centers for the development of American roots music, New Orleans has been home to an incredible collection of artists over the decades, many of whom commanded the above musical styles. For me, two N'Awlinz players in particular blended all these genres into one savory gumbo of ivory tickling greatness: Professor Longhair and James Booker.

I'll spare you the full biography of either of these two legends (though if your interested, see here, and here), but I will talk just a little about their music. A lot of people (but probably not enough) are familiar with the music of Professor Longhair. He won a posthumous Grammy winner in 1987, he was a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee in 1992, and his album "New Orleans Piano" was voted #220 on Rolling Stones' 500 Greatest Albums list.

Fess, as he we called later in his career, has been credited as the founder of the New Orleans piano style. This style is generally characterized as a combination of all the above musical forms, with a special focus on the player's technique. This difficult technique involves using the left hand to continuously pound out bass line chord walks, while contemporaneously using the right hand to accent the bass notes and chords with lead style runs that fly all over the keys. In short, this.

Professor Longhair was not only the creator of this sound, but many today still consider his work on the keys to be the best ever produced. One of his most famous songs, and one that really showcases how uniquely talented this guy was (it also happens to be my favorite by him) is the eccentric tune "Tipitina". If you've ever been to New Orleans, you may have noticed a famous music club there in the city by the same name. Now you know where the name of the club came from. Here are some other great glimpses of the Fess: "Hey Little Girl," "Bald Head," and "Everyday I Have the Blues." All it takes is one listen to this stuff and there's no question that this guy helped pave the way for rock and roll.

James Booker came along as a recording artist a decade after rock and roll had cemented its place in American culture. However, thanks to his immense talent on the piano and his flare for performing, it didn't take long for the even the best musicians out there to name him as one of their influences. As you probably noticed from the above videos, Professor Longhair could really do a lot with the keys. But, in my opinion, Booker could do even more (especially with his left hand playing bass note walks.) He was classically trained on the piano, and was reputed to have learned entire compositions from Chopin, Bach and Rachmananoff after only one listen. Somehow, he was actually able to incorporate these classical sounds into his modern New Orleans style. Booker was nothing short of a virtuoso.

Tragically, he suffered from lifelong mental illness and battled a sever drug problem which eventually took his life. Despite this, much of his music still lives on. Booker is much less well known than Professor Longhair, so it's a lot harder to find links to his stuff online. By far, my favorite Booker tune is his take on the blues/jazz classic "Junco Partner." Unfortunately, I could not find a link to Booker's recording of the song (other than the 5 second preview on Amazon), so I will just have to link you to Dr. John's attempt; while good, it can't touch Booker's version of the song, trust me. There are, on other hand, some great examples of Booker's playing on these (mostly instrumentals): "Pixie,"Put Out the Light," "Yes Sir That's My Baby," and an untitled recording.

An interesting note is that Booker schooled a young Harry Connick, Jr. on how to play New Orleans style blues - can you tell?

For anyone who likes the blues, jazz and/or rock & roll, I would strongly suggest getting to know these two artists. There's no better place to start than here: for Professor Longhair start with the album New Orleans Piano; for James Booker start with any of these three records. Buy, download or steal, you'll be happy that these albums were added to your collection.

Boomer

Be on the Lookout for Some Guest Gyros!

Just an FYI to our readers,

The Nüdge and I have many compadres out there who not only know a ton about music, but also bring very different perspectives to the party (not that anyone would ever need viewpoints beyond the brilliance that we already offer.)

Quite a few of these folks have guest authorship privileges in here, and we look forward to their analyses and reviews. So, be on the lookout for these fresh new commentators.

Boomer

Poor Howard only knows that he knows nothing.

Hey there. I'm poor Howard, and I know less about music than anyone on this blog. Really. I'm just some guy. Usually when I'm listening to music it's while I'm doing something else. But I'm operating under the assumption that---even though Boomer has the power to communicate with humbucker pickups and the Nudge could probably list the entire discographies of Creepwood and Stinky Creek and other patchouli-scented jam bands I've never even heard of---I'm still entitled to my opinions. For me, talking about music is fun for the same reason talking about sports is fun: there are nearly as many opinions as there are people, and very few of those opinions are flat-out wrong.

Here's a not-quite-flat-out-wrong opinion of mine: Pearl Jam is better than Nirvana. Ten is better than Nevermind.

When I say this to people who know more about music than I do, one of two things always happens: (a) their heads explode, or (b) they spend the rest of the conversation treating me like Forrest Gump ("Really," they whisper to their friends, "as damaged as he is, the fact that he can hold an opinion at all is a triumph of the human spirit"). But I don't care. For a host of personal reasons that maybe I'll get into in a future post, I prefer Pearl Jam.

Meanwhile, feel free to write a long comment telling me how I made your head explode or how I'm a Faulknerian idiot man-child. But if you do, take a moment to stop typing at some point and listen carefully---that sucking sound you hear is your free time circling the drain.

Besides, all I'm really saying is that if Eddie Vedder had choked to death on his own vomit before polluting the radio waves with "Last Kiss," Pearl Jam might be bigger than Satan right now.

So, what might I blog about in the future? Expect more half-baked opinions, maybe some anecdotes about living with music, and definitely some questions for you, Loyal Reader. I suspect a lot of people out there are like me and mostly listen to music while doing something else---waiting for the bus or folding laundry or having sex. But just because you giggle at the word "humbucker," that doesn't mean music isn't important to you. Music can still enhance moments in your life. You don't have to be an expert to know that the right song at the right moment can charge your perceptions with its own valence. And that's my angle. Consider me this blog's resident non-expert.

By the by, some of my favorite music to listen to while I'm doing other things comes from Dylan, Bowie, the Stones, Derek and the Dominos, The Band, R.E.M., Camper Van Beethoven, and The National.

Yours, until next time, in gleefully opinionated ignorance,
PH

Statistics are Stupid

Where to start on Boomer’s last post? I guess first off, who cares what guitar they are playing as long as it sounds good. Statistics are not what this blog should be about, but since that is the direction we are going, look forward to my next post, a regression analysis of which is the greater act, Sonseed or Montgomery Flea Market, while both have their respective merits and obvious demerits, I look forward to an excel spreadsheet telling me which one I like more.

Second, your so called statistical analysis is so inherently flawed I hardly know where to start. You take a subjective list and use this for some sort of correlation which is then supposed to provide some kind of insight. There is a direct correlation between shoe size and intelligence; does this mean that people with abnormally large feet tend to be smarter than those with average feet? No, it means that grown ups are smarter than babies. Until you do a Granger causality test your correlation means nothing to me.

Next by breaking this into solos and not artists the fact that Jimi Hendrix played a Fender counts as much in this debate as the combined weight of Jerry Garcia, Mark Knophler, Pete Townshend, B.B. King, Jerry Cantrell, and Carlos Santana. This is downright silly, and any list that provides the same weight to Jerry Garcia and Richie Sambora is seriously flawed. Heather Locklear and Denise Richards are hot and all but give me a break.

Did you know that if 23 people are in a room there is a greater than 50% chance that two of them will have the same birthday. What light does this shed on which is better, a Gibson or a Fender? About the same as Boomer’s post, absolutely none, we are still living in darkness after that post, but we won’t get the time in our lives it took us to read it back.

On a happier note I would tell you I saw a show that blew my mind a few months back, David Byrne at Meymandi Hall in Raleigh, the sound was awesome, setlist rocked, choreography was amazing, one negative was the beer line was atrocious, but overall one of the best shows I have seen in years, and I have no idea what kind of guitar he was playing, as it should be. In the immortal words of John Bell, “if it feels good we shake.” Ain’t that how we should judge it? Definitely see David Byrne if you can, he has aged incredibly well and still rocks, white tutus and all. And if you have never see Stop Making Sense, rent it now.

Also, unrelated but I am sick as hell of thinking Warren Zevon is coming on the Radio and having it end up being Kid Rock. Nüdge out.

A New Perspective on the Great Fender v. Gibson Debate

Thanks to the inventive genius of both Les Paul and Leo Fender in the 1940's, the electric guitar has been the the undeniable symbol of rock and roll for over seventy years. Ever since the electric guitar first worked its way onto the rock and roll scene all those decades ago, guitarists have been debating whether Gibson or Fender makes the higher quality instrument.

Most guitar players have very strong feelings about this debate, and they are firmly entrenched in one camp or the other. For many of these musicians, their loyalties to either Fender or Gibson lie in something deeper than the typical differences in brand you might expectc (e.g., price, durability, or even aesthetics.) For many, their loyalty is based on much more than that; the choice between Fender and Gibson represents a statement about what kind of individual artist you are, or want to be.

This intense subjectivity is the reason, I believe, this debate so difficult to settle. So, in an effort to perhaps shed new light on this classic contest I turned to Guitar World Magazine for inspiration. Some years ago, Guitar World published a now oft-cited ranked list of the 100 Greatest Guitar Solos. I decided to take this ranked list and examine which songs were played with a Fender, Gibson, or Other brand guitar. After all, the guitarists who pulled off these solos are some of the greatest ever to play, so surely their choice of instrument would tell us something, right?

Putting aside the accuracy and completeness of Guitar World's rankings for the moment, I have reproduced the list below and added the guitar brand used for each solo. Following that list is a brief look at the numbers, and how things break down.

Rank / Song / Band / Guitarist/ Fender, Gibson or Other
1. Stairway to Heaven / Led Zeppelin / Jimmy Page / Gibson
2. Eruption / Van Halen / Eddie Van Halen / Other
3. Free Bird / Lynyrd Skynyrd / Collins & Rossington / Gibson
4. Comfortably Numb / Pink Floyd / David Gilmour / Fender
5. All Along the Watchtower / Jimi Hendrix / Fender
6. November Rain Guns N’ Roses / Slash / Gibson
7. One / Metallica / Krik Hammett / Other
8. Hotel California / Eagles / Felder & Walsh / Fender & Gibson
9. Crazy Train / Ozzy / Randy Rhoads /Gibson
10. Crossroads / Cream / Eric Clapton / Gibson
11. Voodoo Chile (Slight Return) / Jimi Hendrix / Fender
12. Johnny B. Goode / Chuck Berry / Gibson
13. Texas Flood / Stevie Ray Vaughan / Fender
14. Layla / Derek and the Dominos / Clapton & Allman / Fender & Gibson
15. Highway Star / Deep Purple / Richie Blackmore / Fender
16. Heartbreaker / Led Zeppelin / Jimmy Page / Gibson
17. Cliffs of Dover / Eric Johnson / Fender
18. Little Wing / Jimi Hendrix / Fender
19. Floods / Pantera / Dimebag Darrell / Other
20. Bohemian Rhapsody / Queen / Brian May / Other
21. Time / Pink Floyd / David Gilmour / Fender
22. Sultans of Swing / Dire Straits / Mark Knopfler / Fender
23. Bulls on Parade / Rage Against the Machine / Tom Morello / Other
24. Fade to Black / Metallica / Kirk Hammett / Other
25. Aqualung / Jethro Tull / Martin Barre / Gibson
26. Smells Like Teen Spirit / Nirvana / Kurt Cobain / Fender
27. Pride and Joy / Stevie Ray Vaughan / Fender
28. Mr. Crowley / Ozzy / Randy Rhoads / Gibson
29. For the Love of God / Steve Vai /Other
30. Surfing with the Alien / Joe Satriani / Other
31. Stranglehold / Ted Nugent / Gibson
32. Machine Gun / Jimi Hendrix / Fender
33. The Thrill is Gone / B.B. King / Gibson
34. Paranoid Android / Radiohead / Jonny Greenwood / Fender
35. Cemetery Gates / Pantera / Dimebag Darrell / Other
36. Black Star / Yngwie Malmsteen / Fender
37. Sweet Child of Mine / Guns N’ Roses / Slash / Gibson
38. Whole Lotta Love / Led Zeppelin / Jimmy Page /Gibson
39. Cortez the Killer / Neil Young /Gibson
40. Reelin’ in the Years / Steely Dan / Elliot Randall / Fender
41. Brighton Rock / Queen / Brian May / Other
42. While My Guitar Gently Weeps / Beatles / Eric Clapton / Fender
43. Sharp Dressed Man / ZZ Top / Billy Gibbons / Gibson
44. Alive / Pearl Jam / Mike McCready / Fender
45. Light My Fire / Doors / Robby / Krieger Gibson
46. Hot For Teacher / Van Halen / Eddie Van Halen / Other
47. Jessica / Allman Brothers / Dicky Betts / Gibson
48. Sympathy for the Devil / Rolling Stones / Keith Richards / Fender
49. Europa / Santana / Carlos Santana / Gibson
50. Shock Me / Kiss / Ace Frehley / Gibson
51. Master of Puppets / Metallica / Kirk Hammett / Other
52. Star Spangled Banner / Jimi Hendrix / Fender
53. Since I’ve Been Loving You / Led Zeppelin / Jimmy Page / Gibson
54. Geek USA / Smashing Pumpkins / Billy Corgan / Fender
55. Satch Boogie / Joe Satriani / Other
56. War Pigs / Black Sabbath / Tony Iomi / Gibson
57. Walk / Pantera / Dimebag Darrell / Other
58. Cocaine / Eric Clapton / Fender
59. You Really Got Me / Kinks / Dave Davies / Fender
60. Zoot Allures / Frank Zappa / Gibson
61. No More Tears / Ozzy / Zack Wylde / Gibson
62. Money / Pink Floyd / David Gilmour / Fender
63. Scar Tissue / Red Hot Chili Peppers / John Frusciante / Fender
64. Little Red Corvette / Prince / Dez Dickerson / Fender
65. Blue Sky / Allman Brothers / Dicky Betts / Gibson
66. The Number of the Beast / Iron Maiden / Dave Murray / Fender
67. Beat It / Michael Jackson / Eddie Van Halen / Other
68. Starship Trooper / Yes / Steve Howe / Gibson
69. And Your Bird Can Sing / Beatles / George Harrison / Fender
70. Purple Haze / Jimi Hendrix / Fender
71. Maggot Brain / Funkadelic / Eddie Hazel / Fender
72. Walk This Way / Aerosmith / Joe Perry / Gibson
73. Stash / Phish / Trey Anastasio / Other
74. Lazy / Deep Purple / Ritchie Blackmore / Fender
75. Won’t Get Fooled Again / The Who / Pete Townshend / Gibson
76. Cinnamon Girl / Neil Young / Gibson
77. Man in the Box / Alice in Chains / Jerry Cantrell / Other
78. Truckin’ / Grateful Dead / Jerry Garcia / Fender
79. Mean Street / Van Halen / Eddie Van Halen / Other
80. You Shook Me All Night Long / AC/DC / Angus Young / Gibson
81. Sweet Jane / Velvet Underground / Lou Reed / Other
82. 21st Century Schizoid Man / King Crimson / Robert Fripp / Gibson
83. Scuttle Buttin’ / Stevie Ray Vaughan / Fender
84. Lights Out / UFO / Michael Schenker / Other
85. Moonage Daydream / David Bowie / Mick Ronson / Gibson
86. Whipping Post / Allman Brothers / Allman & Betts / Gibson
87. Highway 61 Revisited / Johnny Winter / Gibson
88. Kid Charlemagne / Steely Dan / Larry Carlton / Gibson
89. Killing in the Name / Rage Against the Machine / Tom Morello / Other
90. Let it Rain / Eric Clapton / Fender
91. Heard it Through the Grapevine / CCR / John Fogerty / Gibson
92. Stray Cat Strut / Stray Cats / Brian Setzer / Other
93. The End / Doors / Robby Krieger / Gibson
94. Working Man / Rush / Alex Lifeson / Gibson
95. Yellow Ledbetter / Pearl Jam / Mike McCready / Fender
96. Honky Tonk Woman / Rolling Stones / Keith Richards / Fender
97. Beyond the Realms of Death / Judas Priest / Glenn Tipton / Fender
98. Under a Glass Moon / Dream Theater / John Petrucci / Other
99. Cause We’ve Ended as Lovers / Jeff Beck / Fender
100. Wanted Dead or Alive / Bon Jovi / Richie Sambora / Other

Percent overall:
Fender = 39%
Gibson = 37%
Other = 24%

Percent in the top 10:
Fender = 27%
Gibson = 56%
Other = 18%

Percent in the top 25:
Fender = 41%
Gibson = 37%
Other = 22%

Percent in the top 50:
Fender = 38%
Gibson = 41%
Other = 21%

Percent in bottom 10:
Fender = 40%
Gibson = 30%
Other = 30%

Does this analysis bring us any closer to settling the great debate, or is this just a case of simple correlation and no causation? I'll let you decide. Perhaps later I'll reveal which camp I fall into (some of you may already know I, too, have very strong opinions about this question), but for now let's think about what this list can tell us.

Boomer

Care to Share the Peace Pipe?

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I caught a song I haven't heard or thought about in years. The song was "Peace Pipe" by the forgotten band Cry of Love. What a kick ass song, and a what a shame this group never really stuck.

This song blew me away for a number of reasons. First and absolutely foremost is the guitar work throughout this tune. The guitarist here is none other than the rock guitar virtuoso Audley Freed, more on this guy a little later in the post. The song starts off with Freed giving us a really creative little guitar riff that seems almost disjointed at first. But it only takes a few seconds for the drums and the bass to kick in, and then the odd little guitar riff goes from the questionable to the irreplaceable. At this point it becomes instantly clear that the riff is tie that binds the melody to the rhythm.

The bass, by Mr. Robert Kearns, is also killer in this song. It settles into the mix early on with a very tasteful bluesy walk by Kearns that manages to drive the verse of the song along without feeling repetitive. The drums, while nothing special to my untrained ear, hang back just enough throughout the song to also encourage the undeniable driving feel of the entire effort.

When the song's first chorus emerges at about 0.35 sec., Freed's guitar takes a noticeable turn towards increased energy, but does so without overpowering the prominence of the vocals during the song's refrain. It's at this point that we get our first taste of one of the things that makes the guitar work of Feed so impressive here. At 0.42 sec. Freed gives us a short but very sweet lick (see definition #8) to fill up what could have been a dead spot in the chorus. Small features like this may go unnoticed to many listeners, but to me they are often what separates a really cool song from an average one. At the very least, they are a sign of a talented musician.

The chorus is also the first chance we get to hear the tougher side to vocals of Kelly Holland. For me, Holland's vocals sound a little too much like our old stroking friend Billy Squire. Personally, I am not a fan of Bill Squire's work, but despite the similarity Holland's vocals work in this song. This is especially true in the chorus. The chorus melody invites Holland to be a little rough when he sings the lyrics, "Burn down..." and "Tearing the temple..." For whatever reason, the manufactured crust in his voice works for me here.

At 2:10 sec. we get our second taste of how tasteful Freed's guitar licks are in this song. As the band is building up to the monster guitar solo that's about to happen, Freed and the bass pull out a very cool descending staccato run down the neck. It struck me as a really cool way to make the listener hold their breath for the impending solo. Nice.

Then way hear it... the biggest part of the song that blew me away... the solo. This solo is, forgive me for getting a little Bill and Ted on you here, totally ripping. The way Freed utilizes double stops and multi-string bends he reminds of a modern day combination of Chuck Berry, Johnny Winter, and Hendrix. One of things that separates Freed on this solo is how clean he is able to make each note ring out despite that fact that he's got the distortion cranked up on the amp. That's a sign of a player who is a master at fretting; a player whose tone is derived more from the way he manipulates the notes on the neck as opposed to the equipment he uses. Freed rips all the way through this solo, and the energy never stops. It's a solo that grabs you by the collar at the beginning, and proceeds to shake you into submission as it slices along.

The next cool part of the song is the stop at the 2:50 sec. mark. It's just a really nice touch coming off all the energy of the solo. This is not the type of song to give you a breather by slowing down or getting weaker. The stop was a great choice.

We get a secondary solo from Freed starting at the 3:06 sec. mark, and that's where his Johnny Winter influences really show through. The song doesn't lose steam at this point either, as Freed starts mirroring the chorus melody of Holland's vocals at 3:26 sec. The songs ends with Freed finally moving up high the neck and giving us a killer series of repeating double stop bends.

An interesting note about the band Cry of Love is that they were formed in Raleigh, NC, one of the stomping grounds of the Jukebox Gyros themselves. The band fizzled out after a couple of albums, and Freed joined in as the lead guitarist of the Black Crows. Since then, Freed has made a name for himself in the jam band scene as a respected lead player. Kelly Holland is reportedly still in the Triangle area. One of my close friends, a drummer who lived in Raleigh for a while, said that he spoke with him a few times in a number of Raleigh bars.

If you're interested in another cool tune from Cry of Love, I would suggest this live version of Highway Jones, off the same album as Peace Pipe, Brother. It's another example of how huge Freed can be on the guitar.

Boomer.

What Up Party People

Nüdge here, thought it would be necessary for an introduction of my own after Boomer's lame ass attempt to tell you what the Blog is about. First off, I was shocked to find out that the name of our Blog was mocking and not honoring Foreigner, Jukebox Hero after all has to be the second greatest song of all time, just a smidgen behind Sister Christian made famous of course by Night Ranger. Second it is important I make this DISCLAIMER:

The Nüdge has no musical ability whatsoever, I can't play anything, there was of course the 5th grade failed attempt at the Trumpet and the 7th grade failed attempt at the Drums, and a failed attempt at the harmonica somewhere down the road in high school. After these attempts I came to the conclusion that while I love to listen to music, attend live shows, and criticize the hell out of it, I should never ever attempt to create it. So unlike Boomer, my role is not build music but to tear it down. However, I do have two notable musical achievements to this point in my life:

1) I got an A- in the History of Rock and Roll at The University of North Carolina -Chapel Hill (The Flagship University of the State of North Carolina), in this class I learned three important lessons that were drilled into my brain:
A)A Day in the Life is the greatest rock song ever written
B)Sargent Pepper's is the greatest rock album ever made
C)My Professor had a hard on for The Beatles

2) I have almost convinced Boomer that despite his tendency to use his pinky and play low on the neck of the guitar, Jerry Garcia may actually have a modicum of talent.

Boomer and I have a lot of crossover in what we like to listen to, but also a lot of differences. I tend to be a bit more on the Crunchy side of things, listening to a lot of gooey granola hippy stoner jams by the Grateful Dead, Widespread Panic, and Phish. I also listen to bluegrass, newgrass and any other kind of grass. I love Motown, Stevie Wonder is a musical genius (when he plays funk, not when he sings love ballads). I think the Talking Heads and Dire Straits are two of the greatest 80's bands and Pearl Jam can lyrically melt faces. And of course I love me some good ol classic Stones, Zeppelin, Traffic, The Band etc. I don't like pop music, girl rock bands, Creed (Boomer's favorite band), Johnny Cougar, John Cougar Mellencamp, John Mellencamp, Springstein or any other Dylan wannabe. Well that should give you a good overview. I forgot to add one last thing, while not related to music it should provide you with a good perspective of where I am coming from, I think Point Break is without a doubt one of the greatest films of all time in spite of the fact that it stars Keanu Reaves, which only speaks even more so to its greateness to overcome such a liability from the get go, make it two Utah. Nüdge out.

An Introduction to the Jukebox Gyros - A Welcome from Boomer

Welcome to our blog, Jukebox Gyros. "Who are we," you ask?

We are two guys who love music, but bring very different perspectives to the table. We decided to start this blog because it was time take advantage of how often we think, talk, argue, debate and bloviate about all things music. The purpose of Jukebox Gyros is to take our thoughts and opinions to the people. We're not afraid to stick our necks out on the line for those songs, albums, and bands that we love. And we're also not afraid to mock everything that we think deserves the derision.

My name is Boomer, and my administrative counterpart is The Nüdge. Hopefully you will enjoy the dynamic that we offer: Boomer, the wise and contemplative musician, and The Nüdge, the snarky uber-fan who carries a seven pound iPod. Much of this blog will be a presentation of our seemingly hidebound musical opinions, and it's only fair that I reveal some of my underlying prejudices. So, here's two things you probably need to know about me up front:

1) I am a fairly serious musician

I have been playing guitar for many years now, and if I could have any job in the world it would be playing every night as a respected lead guitarist in an enormously popular band. I like to think of myself as a blues man (my favorite guitar player being the great Buddy Guy), but I still love playing everything from rock to bluegrass on the guitar. When I listen to music I can't help but hear things from a guitarist's perspective. This undoubtedly colors my attitude toward the music I hear, and many of the artist that I see perform. All that being said, I have no problem enjoying good music when I hear it, no matter how the guitar may factor in.


2) When it comes to music, I tend to hate the new and love the old

The older I get, the more I am drawn to "roots music." Whether it be the roots of rock and roll, metal, grunge, or punk, I tend to gravitate toward those foundational artists who seemed to launch entire genres by being original. Because of this, I have enormous respect for artists such as Bob Dylan, Elvis Presley, the Beatles and the Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Who, etc. There are some glaring exceptions to this rule. For example, I prefer the more modern, electric blues style much more than the much older and more brooding delta blues sound. However, for me, that last great era of music was the grunge/hard rock movement of the 90's, with bands such as Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, STP and Gov't Mule cranking out some wonderful tunes and landmark albums. Now that those type of bands seem to be fading away, music in the past ten years has largely been a load of crap.


Other than that, my biases will probably reveal themselves as this blog rolls along. I hope you enjoy reading this blog, and feel free to comment on any and all posts that interest you. The more discussion and debate we generate the better.


Until next time,


Boomer